Co-Parenting vs. Parallel Parenting: What's Best For You?

If you are going through a divorce or separation, and you have children, then you have undoubtedly wondered how you are going to manage to parent together when separated. There are two main strategies to post-separation parenting that may sound similar but offer very different approaches that can work in the right situations.

What Is Co-Parenting?

Co-parenting is usually the approach adopted when the relationship between the separating parties is a positive and amicable one. This approach relies on effective and regular communication and both parents working closely together to raise their children.

Co-parenting means that both parents continue to jointly participate in the upbringing of any children. They are cooperative in terms of decision making and jointly facilitate opportunities for the children i.e. clubs and activities. They may attend family events together, such as Christmas and birthdays. This approach allows both parents separate time with the children but also maintains the family link. Conducting this sort of post-separation parenting requires a significant amount of communication both in private and public.

When divorced or separated parents make the choice to co-parent, it is a good idea to set down a plan about how this will work. The plan is designed to make sure that the parents are starting with a shared vision in terms of the boundaries set for the children, their beliefs and practices. This can include discussing and deciding on important subjects such as education, religion and even medical issues and how they should be dealt with. You may also decide on everyday practicalities such as travel arrangements for school and extra- curricular activities etc. The idea is that the plan that is formed is detailed enough to avoid situations where conflict may occur but flexible enough to enable both parents to react to the unforeseen moments in parenting.

In order for this approach to work successfully, both parents need to put any ill feeling aside and maintain a positive relationship. This approach does not work in all cases – especially where the relationship between parents is strained and negative. These parents may be better off adopting a parallel parenting model.

What Is Parallel Parenting?

Parallel parenting is, in many ways, the opposite of co-parenting. The idea behind this approach is to minimise the communication that is required between parents, creating less opportunities for conflict and therefore protecting the children from this negative aspect of divorce and separation. The focus in this approach is to allow each parent the time to spend independently of the other parent.

This approach still needs a degree of planning and consensus. This plan can involve deciding on how to split holidays, how to navigate family occasions or special events and establishing patterns for living arrangements. With a clearly defined plan, both parents know where they stand and the room for misunderstanding and conflict can be minimised.

It is often a good idea to establish some parallel parenting ground rules such as:

• Agreeing not to speak negatively about the other parent in front of the children
• Agreeing not to use the children as an intermediary for communications
• Agreeing consistent boundaries regarding house rules, friends, appropriate bedtimes, extracurricular activities, and similar child-related matters
• Agreeing appropriate times for communicating outside of the children's presence
• Agreeing how to monitor and schedule children's communications with one parent during the other's parenting time

Which Is Best?

There is no “one size fits all” solution when it comes to parenting post-divorce or separation. It is important that you consider the relationship that you have with the other parent and how the impact of these approaches might affect any children. Both approaches can work effectively with planning and a commitment from both parents to make it work.

If you are going through a divorce or separation, and would like to explore the option of drafting a parenting plan, then please contact us and find out from one of our family law experts where you stand. Contact us on 0333 9205911 or fill out a call-back request to explore how we can assist you.

Written by Joanne Bennett